


Arthur or Martha?

by terma_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-01
Updated: 2002-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:14:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26535655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terma_archivist/pseuds/terma_archivist
Summary: Agent Krycek contemplates driving his regulation, bureau issue pencil into his own eardrum in the face of Mulder's small talk. Takes place between Sleepless and Duane Barry—no spoilers.
Collections: TER/MA





	Arthur or Martha?

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [TER/MA](https://fanlore.org/wiki/TER/MA) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [the TER/MA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/terma/profile).  
> NOTE: 'Arthur or Martha?'—I'm not sure whether this expression travels. We use it round these parts to query someone's sexual preference. As in, ""That Tinky Winky...is he Arthur or Martha, then?"" A bit of fluff for Row, for her heroes TER/MA challenge.

  
**Arthur or Martha?  
by Hattie**

  
"You think he's going to make a move now?" Krycek yawned and stretched, as far as the confines of the battered pool car would allow him to. 

Mulder checked his watch. "No, my guess is he's bedded down for the night. We'll call it in in a few minutes, the night shift will be along soon. Okay, Batman or Spiderman?" 

Looking out of the window, his face partially hidden from Mulder's gaze, Krycek rolled his eyes heavenward at the banality of Mulder's conversation. His attempts to draw Mulder out over the course of the preceding nine hours had been painful, met largely with grunts and monosyllabic retorts. To pass the time he'd resorted to prattling inanely about half assed pop cultural icons, feigning prepubescent hero-worhip for Captain America and Clint Eastwood. Unable to fight his basic instincts, he'd fabricated an anecdote about running away in search of The Ponderosa; a story of such vividness and intricacy that, momentarily, it assumed a seductive life of its own, one in which he'd temporarily lost himself. On returning to reality he'd been astounded to find Mulder's hazel eyes fixed upon him intently, head tilted just 'so', signifying that the bait, lovingly prepared, cautiously sniffed at and tentatively licked, had finally been seized and dragged into Mulder's den. 

Except that that was three hours ago, and rather than wolf it down in one go, Mulder had proceeded to chomp noisily on it, worrying away at small pieces; swallowing it periodically, only to regurgitate it and work it round his mouth some more. 

_Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up, SHADDUPSHADDUPSHADDUP SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP, GODDAMN YOU!_

Blood singing in his ears, Krycek composed himself and smirked. 

"Spiderman. The whole Batman thing—the cape, the big underpants, the close male companion—too camp for my tastes. You?" 

"Spiderman does have the edge, costume-wise..." Mulder paused, seemingly lost in a reverie of his own, then continued, waving his hand dismissively. 

"Batman is essentially a dilettante, a gadget man. I can respect and applaud his commitment to upholding the prevailing laws, but it's questionable whether some of his motivation can be traced back to a desire to preserve the socio-economic status quo, thus rendering the threat to his own, dominant position less tangible." 

"...Oook-kaaay...The Brady Bunch or the Partridge Family?" 

"The Partridge family, for sure. They kicked the Brady's ass." 

"You're a conundrum, Agent Mulder. Okay, Scooby Doo—Freddie or Shaggy?" 

"Thelma." 

_Hello! Come out, come out, wherever you are! I'd have marked you down as Daphne, myself, Mulder, but still..._

"I mean that in the sense that she exhibits an unquenchable desire for the truth, from which she steadfastly refuses to be diverted. Think about it. There are countless instances of them being faced with obstruction, ridicule, suspicion, of being on the verge of abandoning all their ideals, only to have Thelma put them right back on track." 

"But she was a sceptic, a Scully..." 

_Shit!!_

The 'Sc' word, usually so fastidiously avoided, was out of his mouth before he'd had time to recognise it's ominous, baggage laden outline looming large on the horizon. But Mulder, if he'd registered it, showed no reaction. Krycek continued, choosing his words carefully, like a stilt walker picking his way across slippery stepping stones. 

"Thelma looked for the rational explanation. And she usually found it; there were no ghosts or ghouls or aliens. At the end of the day it was always just a man in a mask." 

"No, not necessarily, not in the later seasons, when they introduced Scooby's long lost nephew, Scrappy. They turned canon on its head, took away all previous givens and presented us with a whole new set of possibilities; the central premise that the apparantly unexplainable is always rooted in the rational is challenged in New Scooby Doo; the plot resolutions frequently are supernatural or other worldly in their origin." 

"Yeah, damn them for fucking with the format! It went completely down hill then, in my opinion." 

"Really? That's just when I thought it started getting interesting... Okay, Ask me another." 

Krycek inhaled sharply and silently counted to ten in Russian, cursing that such a promising line of questioning could have descended into yet another Mulder Rant. Then relaxed slightly. Set his expression to 'sweetly innocent' and turned to face Mulder. 

"Barbara Streisand or Bette Midler?" 

* * *

[email removed] 

RATING: R for implied M/M and language.   
DISCLAIMER—characters property of that nice Mr Carter and 20th Century Fox. No copyright infringement intended, natch.   
SUMMARY: Agent Krycek contemplates driving his regulation, bureau issue pencil into his own eardrum in the face of Mulder's small talk. Takes place between Sleepless and Duane Barry—no spoilers.   
TITLE NOTE: 'Arthur or Martha?'—I'm not sure whether this expression travels. We use it round these parts to query someone's sexual preference. As in, "That Tinky Winky...is he Arthur or Martha, then?"   
A bit of fluff for Row, for her heroes TER/MA challenge.   
---


End file.
